1) To use BCS with your form library, you'd create external lists for each table and/or view that you need to use, and then you'd consume these external lists as data connections for read purposes. Then, for write purposes, you'd submit the form to the form library like usual, then fire off an SPD2010 workflow that updates the external lists using "update list item" and "create list item." Whatever you update in the external list would go to the DB, and if you need it to update a view, then you need to use a virtual table with appropriate triggers on that view in the DB so that when an update method is triggered on that external list, SQL knows what to do. This method duplicates the data in the form library unless you delete the form with your workflow after writing the data to SQL. Also, external lists have a default limit of 2000 items, which can be raised with a Powershell command, but if you raise it, then performance could become an issue. Also, even though InfoPath can do parameterized queries on lists, it cannot actually send a parameterized query all the way to the DB. Instead, it only sends it to the external list, which is on the WFE, and the WFE must then pull the data into memory before InfoPath can filter it. So, if you have 100,000 records and only need 5 with your query, the WFE has to first pull in all 100,000, and then InfoPath pulls in 5 of them. Not good.
2) The recommended method by the InfoPath team is to create custom web services for direct interaction with the form. This is a security hassle with browser forms, but it can be done. You'd need to use a Secure Store identity (group type probably) in your Secure Store service application and reference it in the Universal Data Connection that you create by converting your web service DCs in the form after creating and adding them.
3) Qdabra (owners of this forum/site) may have a solution for you that does all of this and may be worth the cost instead of writing it all yourself from scratch. They can shred data into SQL for you with a tool they've already built and sell.